The other sh-word we’re not supposed to say in Myrtle Beach

You know the dirty word you’re not supposed to say that starts with “sh”? No, not that one, potty mouth.

I’m talking about the word the police, the media and the chamber of commerce refuse to use – “Shark!”

That’s aquatic animal, to those not familiar with the P.C. lingo. The sh-word word tends to get a negative reaction from tourists, err, humans who visit the Grand Strand. Like the sharks, if they don’t come, we don’t eat.

Unfortunately for the tourism industry, the sh-words aren’t cooperating this summer. Tuesday marked the sixth reported “animal” bite in Myrtle Beach this summer, which technically hasn’t even began yet. Could be a long summer.

This conspiracy of shark silence begins with the police, who have been trained not to use sh-word unless one confesses to the crime. Who can say for sure any way? It could be a cow bite or a platypus attack, so let’s play it safe and say “animal.”

The media, unable to report even the most basic fact without two-party confirmation, runs with the animal angle. Last week there were four people bitten in a 10-block radius by an “animal,” you know, any of the billions of species on the planet.

Let’s see if we can use some common sense and figure this one out. Well, it was a sea animal, which eliminates all the non-surfing land critters. It had teeth and could swim quickly, so manatees and turtles are out of the mix. A school of barricudas or bluefish? Maybe, but not bloody likely.

Maybe we can safely say that, like 99 percent of the incidents that occur on our coast, it was a shark. They are out there, you know, and they eat smaller fish. The smaller fish try to get away, the sharks follow them into shallow waters, a frenzy ensues and a few folks lose some toes.

It’s really that simple, but the local media reacted like it was the first time they had seen a solar eclipse. “The sun mysteriously disappeared for a few minutes today, probably the work of the sun gods or Mayan mathematicians. Film at 11.”

I actually heard one TV reporter speculating that last week’s four-bite spree was the work of one rogue shark. Yeah, that’s probably it, Sharlock, one angry shark decided it was time to teach those tourists a lesson (or maybe he was just hungry for some “free toes”).

Others failed to acknowledge that two attacks took place close to piers, where fisherman are putting bloody bait in the water and the sh-words circle while waiting for a free snack. Dude, don’t swim near the piers.

And no matter where you are on the beach, if you see a school of fish jumping, that’s because they’re trying to get away from a bigger fish, or animal. If you swim in a school of fish you become one. Sh-word are equal opportunity feeders.

I’m not trying to make light of the situation, but I am trying to shine some light on it. Local leaders are so scared of the sh-word that they try to wipe it out of the vocabulary when we should be educating visitors and local alike about the facts.

Yes, there are sharks in the water. Yes they sometimes mistake people for fish, so do your best not to act like a fish. Don’t hang out with them, don’t go to school with them and, most importantly, don’t go out to eat with them.

They’re only animals after all.

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2 responses to “The other sh-word we’re not supposed to say in Myrtle Beach”

  1. Jeff says:

    Hilarious!! Very nice Mr. Massey.

  2. Capt. D. says:

    I’ve seen deer and gators out there too, ohh, did I say alligator, I meant the “a-word”. But seriously, there are some really angry flounder out there too, be careful and bring tartar.

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